(what’s sleep?)

It’s funny how as people we’re always moving, constantly thinking, worrying, stressing, focusing, and punishing ourselves when there are stars and planets and a whole mess of things around us that are so much bigger and more important. I like thinking about how I’m just a tiny dot and I can spend my life being average but counting all the tiny pretty things I see, and that I can soak it up. I like realizing that my constant worrying about how people perceive me is pointless. I find comfort in the fact that everything is pointless, and that we’re all just scrambling ants on a giant rock and that one day it ends no matter what I do or say or wear or touch. Nothing is holding me down. I’ll be thinking about that while I watch the sunrise today- the one decent thing about my backwards sleeping schedule.

(plans)

I went for a bike ride on the trail to the docks downtown here with David today, which was out of the ordinary- making it nice. I still haven’t decided if I’ll be going back to College in the fall- I suppose at this point I’m just avoiding taking real adult responsibilities. I know I should be focused on getting a job since I can’t afford rent anymore and my landlord has started leaving notes again, but somehow I’ve been able to push that to the back of my mind as well. I’m just excited to see my boyfriend again next week, although I’m trying to keep my mind off of that, too. There’s still a lot to be done before the end of the summer, and I don’t feel like I’ll have enough time to get it all in order. I definitely envy the boys for being so certain about what they’re going into- as well as having it already set up for them. They’ll be 2nd years and I’ll be skipping from program to program wasting money to try and find out what I’m passionate about (in the limited selection in my city, of course, which makes this all the more difficult.) I really wish I could see myself as a Social Worker, but I honestly can’t. Which leaves the obvious questions that follows: what can I see myself doing?

(untitled)

They taught me a lot of things in school
but they never taught me how
you can love someone
who lies
or
that
the boy I daydreamed about
might end up having claws and being exactly
the opposite
of what I expected him to be

they never taught me to handle the fear
of not being able to afford next month’s rent
or make it through a lonely night

all of the a’s and b’s never prepared me for the ache in my heart
when I realized
that no matter how much you love someone
they might not love you back
in the way that it matters

Monday

I have a group interview for a job at walmart tomorrow at 10am, which is making me a little (or maybe a lot) nervous. i’ve spent most of today inside, trying to keep busy as well as positive from now on, or maybe just for the next two weeks. we’ll see. i’m feeling especially closed off today, it took a lot for me to talk myself into leaving the apartment just to walk to the store, but I did it anyways so that’s the important thing. The rest of my night will probably consist of me listening to music and watching house and (maybe) I’ll build up the courage to ask the neighbour if I can pick up from him. Other than that, it’s looking like another incredibly uneventful night. I’d look at more kijiji (buy & sell website) postings for apartments, but I’m pretty sure I’ve seen and memorized literally every single listing worth looking at, plus nobody’s posting places for August yet. Anyways, the faster I find an apartment the more I’ll feel like I need to start packing, and the thought of packing up the basement that the cat has practically claimed as his own provokes quite a bit of fear and dread. He’s pretty much decided to pee on any soft and closed off surface because he hates me, or the world is punishing me for some reason. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6jtZx9LNpAY

Post-Adventure Thoughts

The thing about me is that although I’m horrible at being around other people, I also don’t do very well for myself when I’m alone. I’m one of those people who can’t spend too much time with most people- it’s like being around people for too long not only makes me irritable, but uncomfortable and exhausted. But the tricky thing is, that despite loving some time alone, if I’m alone for more than a few hours, I think too much and I get irritable anyways. That’s why I’ve always loved the old set-up my boyfriend and I had. Living with him was wonderful- especially when I was still in school. At times I had places to be, a world of my own, people of my own- and he had his places. A little sanctuary away from the apartment that just makes you realize how lucky you are to have someone to come home to. There’s something nice about sharing a home and a life with someone and I’ve always felt like that’s something I can’t live without, and now, the thought of a family appeals to me so much more than it used to. I guess almost every girl claims to not want children at some point in their lives, and I’ve just come through this epiphany almost where I’ve realized that I don’t want anything more than I want a family. It’s like my maternal instincts are kicking in way too soon, but that’s all I think about recently.

On another note, I had a very strange family encounter yesterday. Never would I have thought that I’d reach the day where I’d smoke a joint and drink wine with my brother and my boyfriend. A trio that shouldn’t exist on any level, really. The protective brother, the boyfriend, and the formerly straight edge teenage girl. Anyways, it was an interesting turn of events, like most of my life is recently. I’m happy with how busy things have been, though- happy that I’ve been able to keep myself busy and that I’ve been able to be more positive and forgiving- although inside my head is a never-ending argument between my jealous, damaged self and my better, kinder self, and I haven’t figured out how to make them work together just yet. I feel like if I went back to therapy and started up on anti-depressants again I could really have a chance with being moderately normal next year, but whenever I leave the house I still can’t shake the feeling that I don’t really belong. In my boyfriend’s circle, sometimes even in my own skin. I know that it’s just me jumping to conclusions and assumptions and anything that I can latch onto, but sometimes I feel like I’m purposely not introduced into his circles, like there’s a part of him that still wants a quick escape plan with no questions asked by friends, or if he’s just waiting for me to go crazy again, or if he doesn’t notice at all. But I’m too scared to ask questions and say what I feel because it got me into the last mess I was in with him. Sometimes little things slip through the cracks- little remarks about things he does that bother me. But opening up entirely could  make me into that crazy girl again and I don’t want to take that chance.